Disappointed Expectations

When I heard that we would be going to Bethlehem, my heart leaped a bit.  I was going to go to the town where, for the first time in history, God became man.  This is the town where Jesus was born, where the Hope of all nations came down from his throne, and took on flesh.  It is a moment in history that has very literally defined it, just note the fact that we have attempted to count our years from that moment.  I began to imagine what it would be like to visit the traditional spot where Jesus was born, to sit in contemplation in the church that occupies this holy site.  Indeed, the more I thought about it, the more the excitement began to mount.

We pulled into the Palestinian town in our big charter bus and parked in a garage with a number of other tourist buses.  Next came our navigation through the streets filled with shopkeepers and various merchants selling their wares including a "Stars and Bucks" made to look like Starbucks.  The excitement within me continued to mount the closer we got to the Church of the Nativity.  When we finally arrived, my professor gave us a few last minute instructions concerning the church then let us go in.  At first I looked around wondering if the structure she had pointed to really was the Church of the Nativity.  Having already been to sites such as the Church of the Holy Sepulcher and the Dormition Abbey, I was a bit taken aback by the sight of the Church of the Nativity.  The image I had built up in my mind didn't match what I saw on the outside.  To be sure the disrepair is understandable since it has been in existence since the 6th century.  Still, the sight of the structure was halting.  It was not what I expected at all.

As you walk into the building, the doorway is significantly smaller than a normal door.  It is this way so that you must bow down as you enter into the building.  Originally it was intended to keep conquerors and looters from entering the church on horseback.  Today it attempts to move tourists and pilgrims into a state of contemplation as they enter the church that sits on the site where Jesus was born.  This was perhaps the most moving part of the church.  Upon making my way through the door I was immediately struck by how loud it was.  There was a line that made its way from the back of the church to the front and down into the grotto where it is believed Jesus was born.  The day we were there, there were a couple hundred tourists and pilgrims waiting in line to get into the grotto.  In fact the church was so loud that I struggled hearing myself think, let alone pray.  This was far from what I had imagined.  An emotion that I had not anticipated began to sneak in:  Disappointment.  The images that I had built up in my mind began to fade away as this unexpected image began to take its place.

Now I traveled all over the nation of Israel.  I visited numerous sites that left me in deep contemplation and utterly humbled.  Some places were simply breathtaking and almost everywhere there was a palpable sense of the Holy One in our midst, yet here at the place where everything changed, the place where Jesus left his throne to dwell among us, something was missing.  It was hard to put a finger on what exactly made this place different.  Perhaps it was the sheer number of tourists, or the doubt and speculation concerning the authenticity of the site, or perhaps the grotto itself that was rather cramped and filled with people taking pictures.  Whatever it was, there was certainly a sense of unmet expectations.  Now before you think my experience an anomaly, James Martin a Jesuit priest and author of Jesus, A Pilgrimage, writes of having a similar experience.  He says, "The Nativity Grotto was the only place where one of my original objections to visiting the Holy Land - the touristy sites would turn me off - proved justified."  Even in talking with others several expressed that it wasn't at all what they were expecting.  Despite the reassurance that I wasn't alone in this, I felt almost guilty for feeling this way and so I tried praying all the more.  This was the place where God took on flesh, where he came and made his dwelling among us and yet standing in the church I felt nothing but the sting of disappointment.  It occurred to me much later however, how appropriate this feeling was.

At the time of Christ, the Israelites were being governed by Herod the Great who was essentially a puppet king of Rome, one of the most brutal empires of all time.  Their rule was harsh and the Israelites suffered enormously under their reign.  Throughout the Intertestamental Period, the Israelites continued to hold on to the promise of a coming Messiah.  They believed that a king would rise from David's line who would free them of their oppressors and then establish the nation of Israel forever.  They expected a Warrior King.  Jesus came as an infant.  Paul would later describe the cross and Jesus' sacrifice as a scandalon, the Greek term meaning a stumbling block, an offense, the same term we get the word "scandal" from.  His birth was little different from his death in that regard.  The Messiah, the one that an entire nation had been waiting for, indeed all of creation had waited for, came almost unexpectedly and unnoticed.  It came with little fanfare except for the angels that appeared to the shepherds and the wise men that followed the star.  Indeed, his birth was not how the Israelites had imagined it would be, one could say, it was disappointing.

Yet isn't this often our experience with God?  Aren't there times in our lives, where we expected God to act a certain way only to have that expectation go unmet?  If I'm honest, there have been numerous times where I have been left scratching my head wondering what God was thinking.  Situations that simply didn't make sense and left me feeling disappointed.  I'm sure that I'm not alone in this feeling.  Undoubtedly, all of us have experienced this a time or two in our lives.  One thing about God though, he never promises we won't be disappointed.  He does however promise that He is good, that He is sovereign, and that His ways are far above ours.  I seem to lose track of that.  Often wishing God would ask me my thoughts on the matter before acting.  Yet the life of Jesus shows us this exact thing.  In the feeding of the five thousand, his disciples expected him to send the crowds away so that they could get food.  Jesus' response?  You feed them!  His disciples thought he was going into Jerusalem to overthrow the Roman oppressors, instead he was crucified by them.  Throughout his life, Jesus made it a habit of doing the unexpected and sometimes even disappointing those close to him.  Yet, even in the midst of disappointment Jesus sets the stage for the remarkable.  He feeds the five thousand with a few loaves of bread and some fish.  After being crucified he is raised from the dead.  His ways truly are above ours. 

I think we often get disappointed when we hold too tightly to our own expectations failing to realize that God wants to do something far greater.  The door to the Church of the Nativity is a powerful rebuttal to the disappointment I felt in the church.  It reminded me that sometimes I need to let go of my expectations and simply bow in obedience before God.  Indeed, sometimes in order for God to do something remarkable He must first disappoint our expectations, only then can we be prepared for the unexpected.

The doorway into the Church of the Nativity

Whose Kingdom?

Standing out on the top of the Herodion you can literally see for miles.  It is only one of many impressive structures that Herod built during his reign, but it is also the only one that bears his name.  As you can see from the picture, it towers over the landscape.  The hill it is perched on, however, is artificial, a fitting irony.  Herod took the top half of a neighboring hill and used it to build up this one.  Inside the structure, you are again overwhelmed by the impressive nature of it.  There is one tower in particular that stands apart from the rest.  It is 18m in diameter, for those of us in the States that is close to 54 feet.  Archaeologists suggest that this massive tower would have been several stories tall and would have served a number of purposes including protection.  The Herodion is indeed an incredible architectural achievement.

As I said, however, there is a bit of irony in this structure.  The land of Israel is marked with a number of monumental structures that were built by Herod the Great.  The Herodion is one in a long list of engineering feats that includes things such as Caesarea, a constructed harbor which used underwater cement (in the first century BC no less), the Temple Mount, the fortress at Masada, and various others.  All of these things were done because Herod wanted to make a name for himself.  He was building up his kingdom and his legacy.  Every building was yet another attempt to secure his place in history.  Yet despite all of this, history remembers him mainly as a villain and a puppet.  His entire kingdom belonged to Rome.  If they chose they could simply depose him and appoint another.  In fact, that is exactly what happens to one of his sons who takes over the rule of Jerusalem.  His kingdom was an artificial one just as the hill that he built this structure on.

Unfortunately, kingdom building seems to be a symptom of the human condition.  We're so busy trying to make a name for ourselves, trying to leave our mark on the world, that we often do so to the detriment of others without much thought.  The west is constantly critiqued as being materialistic and consumer-driven.  Guilty as charged.  On my way out of the country, I had to essentially unpack my entire carry-on.  It took quite a while to say the least.  The security agent and I laughed a bit about it until she finally asked, "Why do you have all this stuff?"  A just question, one that has no suitable answer.  I've unwittingly fallen into the same trap as Herod.  I've built up my own kingdom, falling in line with the rest of my society in pursuing material things, wealth, and status.

To the southeast about 3 miles away lies another settlement which is considerably more modest, yet perhaps far more significant.  It is the town of Bethlehem.  This is where Jesus was born, where God came to Earth and took on flesh.  Today, Bethlehem lies in one of the Palestinian territories.  It is wrought with the same poverty that was undoubtedly present at the birth of Jesus.  It is a stark contrast to the riches that must have been present at the Herodion.  Yet only one of these kingdoms continues on today, only one of them continues to shape the world.  Our professor posed the question throughout the day, "Whose kingdom are we building?"  Herod's kingdom with all of its lavishness has fallen away, yet Jesus who was born in a feeding trough has built a kingdom that will stand forever. 

I would wager I'm not alone in building up my own kingdom.  I'm sure many can look at places in their lives where they have promoted themselves instead of following Jesus' example.  Unfortunately, there is a great danger in building up our own kingdoms.  Herod is the perfect example.  We read about his edict to kill the children under the age of two in Bethlehem in scripture, but that is only one instance of his tyrannical reign.  He slaughtered his political rivals on the Cliffs of Arbel.  He killed several people close to him including one of his wives because of his paranoia regarding conspiracies along with many other atrocities.  Now certainly we don't carry out our kingdom building to this degree, but we still carry it out at the expense of others.  We buy up the latest gadgets not thinking about the plight of those under the living wage who built them.  We blissfully use up natural resources despite the impact that it has on the ecosystem.  We compromise our integrity for the sake of a small advantage over someone else on the corporate ladder.  The examples are endless.  Yet Jesus calls us to more.  Jesus was aware of the plight of the poor, not just because he saw it but because he experienced it.  He identified with them and trumpeted their cause.  When tempted with power, riches, and fame he turned them down choosing to worship God alone.  When he had the opportunity to tear others down, he sought to build them up.  Jesus built a different kind of kingdom.  Set when the world acquired power through violence, Jesus created a new kingdom through peace.  It is His kingdom that has endured throughout the centuries and it will be his kingdom that will endure until he returns.  So whose kingdom are we building?  Are we building ours at the expense of others, or are we building his to their empowerment?

Listening to understand not reply

The Church of the Holy Sepulcher is a remarkable church.  It happens to be one of my favorite churches to visit in the Old City of Jerusalem.  Inside are six different strands of Christianity that celebrate the place where Christ was crucified and buried.  Represented in this church are the Franciscan, Armenian, Greek Orthodox, Syrian Orthodox, Ethiopic, and Coptic churches.  Each commemorates the crucifixion in their own way.  In going through the church, one sees fellow believers worshiping in a plethora of ways.  Certainly, from western eyes, the sight can be a bit overwhelming with experiences vastly different from our own typical church service.  Once you push past this, however, it is a beautiful picture of the body of Christ... except for one small thing.  A ladder.

You see this particular ladder has a long history.  It has been entitled the "immovable ladder" and has been around for over 250 years.  Pope Paul VI once called this a sign of Christian division.  Indeed, it has also been called the "status quo" ladder.  It is a symbol of the underlying conflicts of the different sects found in the church and stands as a testament to trying not to upset the status quo.  The story is different depending on where you find it.  The general consensus however is that a mason left it there by accident in the 18th century.  Since no one sect can alter any of the property without the consent of all the other parties, the ladder has remained.  Unfortunately, the ladder is only the beginning of the disharmony among the sects in the church.

Now, before you get the impression that I am ridiculing this church, I want to ensure you that I hold this church in high regard and the sects represented there in awe.  This church is on perhaps the holiest of sites for Christians and the diverse nature of the sects make conflict almost unavoidable.  If anything the church gives hope that in the midst of our imperfection some form of unity can be found.

Recently, I have had many conversations with people regarding various church traditions and find that many people are not only suspicious of traditions outside their own, but are actually hostile towards them.  They cite peripheral issues as being their reasons for their mistrust and in some cases even doubt whether or not they are indeed Christian.  It is disheartening to watch and see.  This is probably most evident in America where individualism has bred division within the church.  Denominations continue to split off and we are left growing ever disjointed in a world that desperately needs a unified message of hope.  It is estimated that there are currently 41,000 different denominations of Christianity.  I come from a non-denominational background and once thought that was the answer to this disunity.  The problem is that each non-denominational church has their own essential doctrine and thus it is easy for a single non-denominational church to be its own denomination.

Why is it then that there is so much disunity among believers?  Why do we react with hostility and suspicion when it comes to faith traditions that are not our own?  We harp so often on our differences, that we've completely neglected the fact that much of our beliefs are very similar and if we just listen we may even learn something that will enhance our own worship.  We want to make sure that we have the perfect theology or the right answer to every doctrinal question, but we are also convinced that we indeed have all the answers.  I'm not saying things like theology or doctrine aren't important, but I am saying that in the pursuit of these things we cannot and should not try to codify God.  Doing so would make us god.

At the risk of overgeneralizing the problem, I want to suggest that our problem stems from the tendency to listen in order to respond rather than listening to understand.  We often listen intently to opinions outside our own, but it often happens that we are only listening enough to form a reasonable argument for the contrary.  Again, I'm not saying that everything we hear should be assimilated.  Far from it.  There are many doctrines within Christianity that are nonnegotiable.  What I am trying to convey, however, is that we need to listen to truly understand others.  Too often our differences among traditions come about because both parties refuse to understand the other.  We humans are inherently bad at seeing someone else's point of view especially those that we disagree with.  I personally have found that when I listen in order to formulate a response, I end up building a wall.  When I listen in order to understand, however, I end up building a bridge.  What kind of builder do you want to be?

Drink, Drink.

Drink, Drink!  I've heard it a number of times throughout the day.  During my trip in fact, I've heard it so many times that it has become similar to a pavlovian response mechanism.  I hear the word drink and I reach for my water bottle.  Everywhere we go, we begin to realize that water is a precious commodity.  The abundance of water in the US has made me complacent and it has become yet another thing I take for granted.  Now I've been in other areas where water is important, but normally that's because it isn't safe to drink from the tap.  The water here is safe to drink, there just isn't much of it available.  Conserving water is a must and pursuing it is a necessity.  The spiritual parallel of this is not lost on me.

Isaiah 35 talks about the fact that blind will see, but it also says that "waters will break forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert."  All of these are said in relation to Jesus and the work that he did and will do.  Having seen the wilderness, it is absolutely stunning, but there is no water to be found.  It is dry and hot and the hills and mountains block the rain from making it to this area.

How many times have I found myself in the wilderness?  How many times have I been searching and looking for God's provision, but only to find nothing but rocks and dirt?  It seems to happen frequently and I'm often left spiritually dehydrated repeating the psalmist, "my soul thirsts and even faints for you."

There is another side to this, however.  After hearing those words "drink, drink" we all made our way into Hezekiah's tunnel.  It was built during the invasion of Sennacherib who was trying to seize Jerusalem.  Hezekiah realizing that his water source was outside the wall dug a tunnel from the Gihon Spring to inside the walls of Jerusalem.  The tunnel is 1/3 a mile long and cuts through the bedrock.  The diggers dug from both ends and met somewhere in the middle.  It is an absolutely remarkable story and to this day, nobody is entirely sure how they were able to do it.  One thing is certain, however,  Hezekiah and the men of Israel went to extreme measures to have a source of water closer to them.  I think there is much to learn from this.  So often I am stuck in that wilderness and almost wallowing in my position.  Despite feeling the dryness of the wilderness or the groanings of my own soul, my efforts in pursuing the Living Water are meager at best.  May we begin to listen to our soul's longings.  May we recognize our great need for the Living Water.  May we listen to His voice when he says, "Drink.  Drink."

Great Expectations

I sit here on the first leg of my journey.  I have dreamed about making this trip for years and for the last several months this dream has been at the edge of the horizon slowly coming into view.  I'm filled with emotions of many kinds.  From soul-bursting excitement to anxiety and uncertainty. It is difficult for me to comprehend the fact that at the end of this journey I will be in the land where God chose a people to be a blessing to all nations.  A land where that same people struggled with what it meant to be a blessing and frequently failed to deliver upon it.  The land where God himself came down to us, where he walked among us.  It is the land where my Savior lived and breathed and where he drew his last.  More gloriously, it is the land where he defeated death and rose again beginning the work of making all things new.  This is the land today known as the Holy Land, the land of Israel.

As I wait for the train to leave the station, I allow my mind to wander and wonder.  I begin to dream of what it will be like when the dust of the Judaen wilderness blows over my sandals.  Will I gaze out over the barrenness and feel the loneliness of the shepherd's life?  Will I recall the temptations of Jesus and recognize those same temptations in my own life?  What will it be like to stand on the shores of the Sea of Galilee and imagine what the disciples felt as they saw Jesus coming to them?  I feel like Joshua on the edge of the promised land.  I'm looking out over the land that I have been working towards, the land that I have dreamt about in my wanderings and now the rush of excitement mixes with a twinge of fear.  The dreaming has left me with great expectations.  What if it fails to measure up?  What if I miss out on what God wants for me on this trip due to my own preoccupations with life?  Then the other 'what if' questions begin to enter into my mind.  What if I miss my flight?  What if my luggage gets lost?  What if... What if...  Life seems to be filled with 'what if's.

I find that my journey to Israel parallels the rest of the story I find myself in.  After wandering for so long in trying to find God's desire for me, I am quickly approaching graduation.  In a few short months I will be finishing up seminary and looking to do what I was created for.  It has the same feelings of excitement and uncertainty that I now face going to Israel.  The same great expectations linger in my head.  The same 'what if' questions dance around in my thoughts.  What if being a pastor isn't what I imagine it to be?  After all, I've built it up so much, how it could it possibly measure up?  I wonder if I have been in error in allowing these expectations and dreams to fester.  If somehow I have already set myself up for disappointment.  A part of me seems to be saying to do away with these expectations so I won't be disappointed or discouraged.  Yet there is something else, some part of me hears a whisper that gently reassures me and says "Dare to dream big, and see if I'm not more than all you've ever dreamed."  When we are on the verge of all we've known and are about to embark on a journey into the untamed wilderness of the unknown, it is there that God says "I am with you."  May we never forget that and may we continue to dream big.

The heart of God, a mother's heart.

Today is mother's day.  It is the one day of the year that we set aside to take a moment and simply honor our mothers and reflect on what they have done for us.  I realize this is a painful day for some as their own mother acted anything but motherly towards them.  To you, I extend my deepest condolences, for I do not know where I would be had I had a mother like that.  I do not want to discount your experience, but today I also want to honor my own mother personally and to express the deep joy I have that she is my mother.

Every year, I get my mom a mother's day card and I write in it and tell her how much I have appreciated her and that I would not be the man I am today if it had not been for her guiding influence.  Indeed, this is true, but sometimes I wonder if I'm not being self-centered in this.  You see, it seems to suggest that I am only grateful for those things that she has done for me and the impact that she has had on me.  Furthermore, by identifying only those things, I fail to acknowledge the many things that she does that go unnoticed or may not have a direct influence on my life.  When I do this, I equate her worth by what she's done for me and this would be my among my greatest failures for my mom is far greater than the things she has done for me or the influence she has had.  For all of these things only hint at the underlying truth and that is that my mother's heart reflects well the heart of God.


Indeed, I have watched as my mom has been slow to anger even as I find myself to be the primary culprit that incites that anger.  In this, she displays Christ's love for his enemies and the fact that while sinners he came to us.  She has demonstrated incredible humility when others have attempted to place her on a pedestal, that she rightfully deserved.  She has spoken truth to those who were in need of it and has forgiven even when it was painful.  She has been right outside the spotlight cheering others on as we have chased our dreams.  Reflecting back it is clear that it is only by her example that we ever had a hope of attaining them.  It is this selfless love that she gives freely and unconditionally.  Certainly, I am thankful for my mother, but more than that I am humbled by her and the life of surrender that she continues to live. 

So to all mothers who are reading this, thank you for so often exemplifying God's heart for his people.  Thank you for demonstrating to us God's humility and sacrificial love.  Indeed, we may forget that fact, but know that you are of immense worth even when we fail to appreciate it.  To my own mother, my gratitude for all that you've done is far too small a gift to offer you.  Your life continues to show others the love of God and I am humbled that I am your son.  You are indeed a blessing to our family.  I love you mom.

Broken Pieces made whole

We are broken.  We carry with us the shame from our past failures and disappointments.  We wander through life concealing our wounded selves from the world, hoping, praying that nobody will see the pain we carry.  We go through our day saying we're fine or that life is great, when really there is a sense of mistrust and uncertainty in our hearts.  It has been built up from taking our identity in lesser things.  We have been caused pain by judging eyes and misplaced trust.  We live lives that are stained with regrets and shame from our past.  We are desperate for healing and yet there is a part of us that begins to resign ourselves into believing that this is the way life is.  Earlier this week I shared a story that still brings with it a bit of shame:  my failing out of Grad school.  Despite knowing that my identity is not wrapped up in those past failures and shortcomings, there is always a creeping desire to prove that that is true.  To prove that I'm not a failure and that I am worth more than that.  That I am enough.

There is powerful story in the gospels that illustrates this idea of shame and guilt in our lives.  It centers on the woman who had a discharge of blood for 12 years.  I really resonate with this person.  Every day she lives with shame over her condition.  She is so scared of being found out, of being exposed for her identity as an outcast that she just barely touches the cloak of Jesus.  The woman was unclean according to the law, touching anyone would have made them unclean and would have brought shame and guilt upon her.  She knew the law and had lived that life for 12 years.  She was what was called an "untouchable."  Yet in this moment of desperation she touched the cloak of Jesus.  Not only has she touched the garment of this prominent figure, but she had to push her way through the crowd to get to him.  In the Greek it is clear that she is repeating over and over again the words "If I only I can touch his cloak."  She knows the condemnation that she will receive if she is found out, but she believes that it will all be worth it as long as she can touch his cloak for she knows that will bring healing.

She finally does it and is immediately healed, but suddenly Jesus turns around and looks for her.  He says someone has touched him and she's mortified.  Her sins are about to be exposed.  She tries to shrink away into the crowd, but she knows that there is no use.  Jesus knows.  She throws herself at his feet in fear and trembling.  She knows that what she has done was sinful and now she sits before Jesus ready for his punishment.  She admits to everything and you can feel her pleading for mercy.  She fears that the cost for what she has done is too great.  She knows her place as an outcast and nothing can change that.  She's living in the brokenness of her identity.  She is living in the shame of her past and the sins that she has committed by touching Him.  Imagine yourself in her shoes for a moment.  All of your past sins and failures lay bare at the feet of Jesus.  What has been your secret shame and guilt is about to be made public.  You are ready for Jesus' rebuke and condemnation, you only hope you can bear the weight of the shame.  Jesus is about to expose you as the failure that you are.

Then Jesus opens his mouth and calls you, "Daughter."  The word is more than you can take.  It's a word that your own parents have forgotten.  It is something that you haven't experienced in 12 years.  Acceptance.  No.  Not acceptance.  Love.  You begged for mercy, but instead Jesus gives you Grace.  The weight and shame of your past replaced only with joy and hope.  No longer do you live as an outcast or a failure, but instead as a child deeply loved by God.  It is there that you find your new identity.  It is too good to be true.  Those around are speechless.  They know her, but Jesus has spoken and nobody dare oppose him on this.  She is a new person with a new identity.  You see this what happens to us when we encounter God.  When we place our shame at his feet.  He calls us, "Son" or "Daughter."  He sees past our failures, our mistakes and sees us through loving eyes.  He has redeemed our pasts and made broken pieces whole.

His final words to her are this, "Go in peace, and be healed of your disease."  It is a command to live in that new identity.  To not allow shame and guilt to plague us anymore.  We have been healed of our past.  We can move forward.  We are called to live into this new identity.  We are called to live truly healed.  We are called to live as broken pieces made whole.

Greatness in Christ alone

I had the immense privilege a few weeks ago of spending the day with one of my closest friends.  Having cultivated our friendship over the last number of years, we have developed the ability to share openly and honestly with each other about what is going in our lives and how we are experiencing God.  Indeed that day was no different.  Our conversation throughout the day revolved around catching up with each other and discussing the things that God has been teaching us.  It was a great blessing, not to mention that we did all of this while hiking in the snow and playing Frisbee Golf.  This friend also has a way of saying the exact thing that I need to hear at the exact time.  Sometimes, it's an encouraging word that leaves me strengthened, other times it's a challenge that I need in order to restore some aspect of my relationship with God.  Since hanging out with him this last time, I've been left contemplating the text he sent me afterward that served to do both.  It simply stated, "You're a great man."

I've thought long and hard about those words.  When I think of a great man, I think of people that radically changed the world.  I think of people like Nelson Mandela or Martin Luther King Jr.  I think of the movements that have been started by men like these and the great influence that they've had.  Part of me longs to hear those words.  To actually be a great man and to be recognized as such.  Yet a vast part of me refuses to believe that they apply to me.  Something whispers inside me saying, "Not yet."  I mean how can I consider myself a great man when I have failed to accomplish anything of significance or at least of that kind of significance.  It was then that I realized why I needed to hear those words.  You see our greatness doesn't come from our own actions.  It cannot, for all have fallen short of the glory of God.  Any greatness that we have is a Grace from God alone.  It was there that I found the truth in my friend's words.  The more I strive to be great on my own and to be seen as great the further and further I drift away from the only one who can bestow real greatness.

One of my favorite movies of all time is of course Star Wars.  At one point during Episode V, Yoda says, "Great Warrior?  Wars not make one great."  To add to that neither does any other great act.  Certainly, works like freeing slaves or fighting for justice are great things and should be pursued by everyone, but the doing of these things does not make us great nor does it add to our greatness in any way since our greatness is found in Christ alone.  Yet many of us seem to believe that our own value comes from the things that we do.  That our greatness is something that can be achieved.

It is this mindset that says we are only as great as our greatest achievement.  I mean just look at the sports world.  An athlete's greatness is often in question until they have won the championship for their respective sport, in some cases it takes multiple championships to solidify their greatness.  Take Peyton Manning for example.  He is a great quarterback.  His numbers from last year set all kinds of records, but because he didn't win the super bowl, many sports commentators called into question his greatness.  In business circles you are only as great as your company, as a pastor you are only as great as the size of your congregation, or the depth of your people, or the amount of outreach that you do.  Yet this simply is not biblical.  We are called Children of God, coheirs with Christ, friends of God, the body of Christ. These are our titles and have been granted to us by nothing other than the Grace of God.  Nothing we have done has given us these things.  We have instead received them freely from God.  That we have been made great through the work of Christ and that in our weakness, God's strength was made perfect.  So my friend was quite wise when he said that I am a great man.  Ironically, it has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with God.  This greatness in us isn't satisfied with simply being, however.  It drives us to do great things in the world.  It is power of Christ within us that makes lasting change possible.  That enables us to look at the world, see what is wrong, and make a difference.  You see great things do not make people great.  God bestows greatness on people who then do great things.  May we understand that our greatness is in Christ alone.

Death to self

There are many qualities out there that seem to defy conventional methods for being defined.  Words like generosity and greatness are often terms that are often better explained by providing examples of someone who embodies them rather than trying to articulate an accurate definition.  I often find that this is true with the term humility.  It seems every definition that I find always leaves me wanting more.  Take for instance the popular C.S. Lewis quote, "True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less."  Now this certainly has an aspect of truth and is very catchy with the poetic inversion of terms.  In many cases, this is something that many can really learn from.  The problem is that someone who is truly humble by this definition is woefully unaware of themselves, and it is only by knowing ourselves fully that we are able to enact lasting change.  Then there is the definition that Lewis contradicts in his statement that says, humility is thinking less of ourselves.  Yet does Paul not urge this in his letter to the Philippians?  Philippians 2:3 says, "... in humility count others more significant than yourselves."  He seems to be declaring that we are acting in humility when we consider others more important than ourselves.  Unfortunately this really only helps us see what humility looks like, but we are no closer to defining it.

Now sure we can point to people who were humble throughout history.  We look at people such as Mother Theresa whose humility is well known or to the stories of clergy during the black plague who stayed with the sick and dying even when the rest of the people fled from these places.  Certainly one looks to the life of Jesus who spent his time healing the sick, caring for the needy, and sacrificing himself for the sake of sinners.  These are indeed acts of great humility and we find ourselves deeply humbled by them.  In the pursuit of humility we try to emulate these sort of lives and model their behaviors, but something always seems to be missing and our pride continues to bleed through.  Because we have such a vague understanding of what humility is, we often struggle to work toward it.  In fact I've often been so dissatisfied with the definitions of humility that I have considered it impossible to define.  Then last night, while I was working I came across a piece of artwork that contained a definition of humility that I found to have a firm grasp on the virtue.

"Humility is putting others first by giving up what you think you deserve." (Orange Resources)

You see, each of us has an inherent worth that we need to be aware of, indeed were are made in the image of God and dearly loved by Him.  Humility, however, is the act of setting aside that worth for the sake of others.  Humility is always outward focused and is about lifting others up at our own expense.  Simply stated, humility is death to self.  When we seek to put aside our egos and our need to be recognized and known then we are able to find real humility.  It is no wonder then that this is such an elusive virtue.  We are constantly craving to be known and be heard and to set that aside goes against that very desire.  Each of us has the desire to be seen by others and to experience real community that comes from being appreciated for all that we are.

Humility asks us to set aside the inner desire to be respected and affirmed and instead to move outwards in love and grace.  To walk humbly with God is to do exactly this with those we come into contact with.  Self-awareness allows us to recognize our temptation that we have to put our own need for affirmation above the needs of others.  Humility calls us to listen to the hearts of those in our midst even when our own being is calling out to be known.  Humility calls us to die to self.

Paying the Cost

In the spirit of vulnerability that I have been trying to cultivate this lenten season, I want to share a story about my life that is still a source of pain.  It happened when I went to graduate school for Math.  For those of you who don't know.  I was a math major in college and was then offered a fellowship to the University of Delaware to pursue doctoral studies in mathematics.  One could say my time there did not go well.  Prior to graduate school, math had always come easy to me.  Whenever I looked at a problem I loved finding the connections between other theorems and finding the eventual solution.  There was a problem though.  While I certainly had a talent for mathematics, I began resting on that and ceased to put the effort necessary into cultivating it.  This refusal to put in the hard work made it impossible to succeed in graduate school.  The things that once were clear to me no longer made sense.  The connections that before seemed like connect the dots were now much more akin to deciphering ancient Syriac.  By the end of the first year, I had convinced the department and myself that it was time for me to leave.  You see the problem in my story is that none of this cost me anything.  I didn't need to put in hard work to get good grades in undergrad and my fellowship not only covered my tuition but even gave me a stipend to live off of.  The fact that it didn't cost me anything is what eventually made it cost me so much.

Now flash forward a few years, the pain of that experience is still in my heart and I have worked through most of it, but the knowledge of that failure still lingers.  When I entered Seminary the same concerns ran through my head, but there is a difference here.  Seminary costs me something.  It requires me to put in the time to write the papers, do the research and yes of course there is the tuition that is anything but free.  Yet at the same time this experience has been far more valuable to me.  It has even brought healing to the pains I felt from failing.  There is an old adage that says something along the lines that the things that are most valuable to us are the things we fought for.  Certainly this has been a lesson that I have learned from these experiences.


I think the person I relate to the most in the Bible is David.  He had a heart that yearned for God and yet when he messed up, he messed up big.  In fact one of those failures came near the end of his life.  He had this desire to see how his army measured up to other kingdoms and so he went out and counted them.  Now certainly this seems reasonable through modern eyes, but Joab, the commander of his armies, rightly saw this as going against the will of God.  David's taking of the census showed that David was looking to rely on the might of Israel rather than the might of God.  In a sense David wanted to rest on his own talents and strength rather than putting in the much harder work of trusting in God.  David's sin brought tragic consequences to Israel as thousands of men died from a plague.  David was convicted immediately and went off to build an altar and sacrifice to God.  An interesting thing happens at that point.  He was instructed to build the altar on the threshing floor of Araunah the Jebusite.  Araunah immediately offered it to him free of charge and even brought in cattle for him to make the sacrifice, but I love what David said here.  He said, "No, I insist on paying you for it. I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing." (2 Samuel 24:24)  This is the heart of the man of God.  He refuses to offer something to God that costs him nothing.  His heart is for his people and is grieving over their suffering.  By buying the altar and the sacrifice, he is fighting for them.  It shows his willingness to give of himself for the sake of his people and it displays the contrite heart that God loves.  I think it was this action more than the sacrifice itself that moved God to relent.

I'm guessing that you could probably think of a time or two where something was simply given to you or something came easy and because of that you never really appreciated it.  I was flipping through the channels the other day and stumbled across an advertisement for some show that follows around rich kids.  It seemed to me that they were simply bored with their lives.  They looked at everything and everyone as easily discarded because they didn't have to work for it.  Undoubtedly the show is probably more fake than real, but the truth of it still stands.  When we don't pay the cost for something, we fail to appreciate it for what it's worth.  It is the things that we fight for and strive after that find value in our lives.  Therefore may we strive after the things that are of God.  May we follow in David's footsteps and give God an offering that costs us something.

Handling Conviction Humbly

Have you ever been listening to a sermon or reading a blog and thought, man I really got to share this with "so and so" because they really need to be convicted by this message?  I know for me this is a regular occurrence.  The Pastor will say something that just cuts to the bone and steps on toes everywhere and I'm cheering him on, not because I'm being convicted but because "they" need to be convicted.  Now certainly this is not my reaction to every message, but it's probably more common than I'd like to admit.  I know for me this reaction always comes up when I'm feeling hurt by someone else or are more aware of someone's shortcomings than my own.  I can even begin to pray that they will hear this message and apply it directly to our situation.  Unfortunately this is often the same reaction that they are having towards me.  Both of these reactions miss the point entirely.  These sort of of messages are meant for us and to convict us of our sins.

Many years ago, the story goes that a newspaper posed a question to its readers and asked them to respond.  The question asked something to the effect of, "What is wrong with the world."  Many people responded with various well thought out answers and such.  Then G.K. Chesterton responded with only this, "Dear Sir, I am. Yours, G.K. Chesterton."  Now this story has been told and retold so many times that it is hard to tell where it came from, but the point of it remains.  Inside each of our hearts is the very thing that is wrong with the world.  Our sinful desires, our selfishness, our pride, these are what corrupts the world.  Each of us plays a part in contributing to the corruption of the world.  Recently, an organization put together a website that by plugging in some very basic information allowed you to see your slavery footprint on the world.  It was a humbling look at our own lives contribute to the slavery issue in the world today.  Not only that, but our consuming culture here in the United States constantly desensitizes us to the realities of violence and of the brokenness that accompanies promiscuity.  It is our own hearts where these things begin to sow seeds of corruption.  As Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick, who can understand it?"  It is easy to point to others and say that their sin is what is currently wrong, yet if we are to live with hearts of compassion and with love than we must be able to look into the mirror and answer with Chesterton, "I am the problem with the world."

There is hope for us, however.  This is not a new issue for certainly there is nothing new under the sun.  In the Old Testament Nathan confronts David in a similar fashion.  Nathan crafts this story of two shepherds.  One with many sheep and one with just a single one.  The man with many sheep takes away the one from the other.  As he tells this story to David.  David becomes outraged and wishes to exact justice for the one who was wronged.  David was able to see the injustice of the actions of the rich man, just as we are able to see the injustice committed by others toward ourselves and others.  It's acknowledging the injustice we perpetrate that is difficult for us.  It is hard for us to look in the mirror and acknowledge our own sin before the sins of others.  It wasn't until Nathan responded that David was the transgressor in the story that David realized the extent to what he had done and he became truly repentant and broken.  It is this reaction that we are meant to display when we are confronted with our sin.  David was the King and could have easily ordered Nathan out of his courts and even put to death if he chose.  Instead, he took the path of humility and realized the true wickedness that had taken place in his own heart.  He heeded Nathan's rebuke and applied it to his life, realizing the great need that he had to be reunited with God.

Think back to a time where you were more concerned with the sins of others than your own.  Better yet, think of a time when you were confronted in  your sin.  How did you respond?  I know that when I'm confronted I can often become defensive and try to justify my actions.  Perhaps you have a different reaction maybe you shut down or simply try to ignore the rebukes of others or even question their motives and intentions.  These things keep us locked in the same behaviors and the corruption is allowed to persist.  Yet if we listen with humility it is possible that we can gain insight into areas of our lives that are blind to us.  It was only through David's humility upon being confronted that he was able to have a restored relationship with God.  Similarly if we are to allow the Holy Spirit to work thoroughly in our hearts, than we must react in humility.  We must begin to look at those rebukes as opportunities to draw closer to God rather than pushing them away and holding on to the sinfulness that lies in our heart.  Tim Timmons has this great song called "Starts with me".  He talks about the fact that if we want to start a revival, if we want to change the world, then we must begin with our own hearts.  We must be able to see the gravity of our sin because this leads us to compassion for others and a greater understanding of the gift of Grace.  May we act in humility and in doing so may we receive rebuke with gladness and grace.

The Idolatry of Excellence

In trying to write this blog, I have rewritten the opening lines to this paragraph several times.  You see I am a perfectionist.  If something doesn't sound right, I'll agonize over it until it I'm satisfied with it.  Sometimes this is a really good thing as it drives me toward excellence.  Sometimes, however, it is the exact opposite.  Because I'm such a perfectionist, I often see my mistakes before making them causing me to procrastinate on assignments and various other tasks.  In fact, one of the reasons why I write so infrequently is because I'm constantly trying to make the blog perfect and when writing I feel this great burden to offer some excellent insight that others can take away.  This is why this lenten devotion of writing every day has actually been quite burdensome.  It has taken me far out of my comfort zone since in writing every day I may end up writing something that may not be as good as the things that I've written in the past or somehow doesn't measure up to my idea of excellence.

Now I believe firmly that we should all strive for excellence.  That everything we do should be done to the best of our abilities and to the glory of God.  Proverbs 22:29 is very clear that excellence is to be desired and that we should work hard and hone our skills.  The problem comes in when we miss that second piece.  When we begin to do things solely out of our desire for excellence.  I wrestle with this constantly at school.  I'm always concerned with the grades that I'm going to get or how my professors view me.  I still remember one time where I was so concerned with my grade in a class that it consumed all of my thoughts.  The final project for that particular class especially weighed over me and it actually prevented me from even starting it.  Then one day someone offered me two pieces of advice.  First, sometimes done is better than good.  The second, instead of trying to figure out what the professor wanted I should ask myself what would be most beneficial for me in future applications as a pastor.  The first was a hard pill to swallow as it goes against every fiber of my being.  The second point, however, jarred me back to realizing the purpose behind the excellence.  Our excellence is meant for God's glory.  It is when the two are linked that excellence finds meaning.

I can't tell you how many times I've been up front preaching and I have this great burden to give an excellent sermon.  Indeed, if I'm honest whenever I sit in the congregation I expect to hear an excellent sermon.  It is no wonder that many pastors feel the same way I do when preparing for a sermon.  There is the knowledge that people in your congregation are anticipating a great sermon and will be let down if you fail to deliver.  When you do preach an excellent sermon, its wonderful to hear compliments and people coming up expressing gratitude for the message.  Unfortunately, something happens during that time.  Those compliments and discussions become your drive for preaching.  Those heartfelt expressions of gratitude become the measure of success.  It is no longer about preaching the word of God, but about being a great speaker.  It becomes about us.

Excellence is a great thing.  Indeed it is often commanded of us like when Jesus says in Matthew 5:49, "Be perfect, ... as your heavenly Father is perfect."  There are plenty of examples in scripture where excellence is even granted by God.  One of the most obvious examples of this is the story of Oholiab and Bezalel who were given great skills of craftsmanship to be used in constructing the items for the tabernacle.  Yet in the story of the Tower of Babel, excellence is seen at its worst.  It becomes about self-promotion and pride rather than about the Glory of God.  It becomes about making ourselves like God and thus no longer needing Him.  So the next time you're feeling anxiety over something that isn't quite perfect or you replay something over and over in your mind because you wish you could have done it better examine your own heart.  Has your desire for excellence turned into an idolatry of excellence?  May we strive for excellence for God's glory alone.

We Are blessed

 A friend of mine recently turned me on to the band All Sons and Daughters.  As I was listening to the CD I was blown away by their lyrics and accompanying melodies.  One song in particular has been really powerful to listen to.  It is entitled We are Blessed.  The song begins with these strong male vocals that are saying that we are loved when we are at the end of our rope and talking about how we are loved in the midst of trials.  Then the chorus begins and the male vocals are joined with a quiet choir of others singing, "We are blessed."  The song communicates the understanding that even in the midst of our suffering or in the midst of the most difficult times we are blessed.  The other voices in the chorus serve as background to the male vocals and seem to be steadily drawing into the idea that we are blessed.  Then there is small pause and suddenly the female vocals comes through.  Her voice continues to build and finally crescendos in this beautiful chorus where all the voices are singing out loudly and blending perfectly together.  As I listen to the song, I'm struck by the notion that when we see ourselves as blessed in the midst of our pain we give hope and courage to others so they can do the same.  When we acknowledge that we are blessed even when our circumstance seems to suggest otherwise, those around us take notice.

Whenever I think about this theme of being blessed in the midst of suffering, I always go back to the story in Acts 5 where the apostles after proclaiming the resurrection of Christ were flogged and told not to speak of Jesus again.  Yet they left "rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name." (Acts 5:41).  Imagine the impact that had on believers and nonbelievers alike.  When we go through persecution of many kinds we are to realize that we are blessed.  That our circumstance does not dictate whether or not God loves us.  For he does and he has richly blessed us.  To see the kind of impact that this has on believers you need only look at the next chapter in Acts where Stephen is seized for proclaiming the word.  Acts 7 is devoted to his sermon in the Sanhedrin which leads to his martyrdom.  Spurred on by the courage of his fellow apostles, Stephen was able to boldly proclaim the message of Christ even when his own life was at stake.

Imagine what the church would look like if we could stand together in one chorus and sing boldly that we are blessed.  The world would begin to take notice.  That we are able to stand tall in the midst of tragedy.  To demonstrate an ability to grieve while still being content in what God is doing in our lives.  Certainly this kind of joy comes only from being dependent on Him.  When we are dependent on God, we are able to find the strength we need to carry on, we find the courage to face tomorrow, and we find the hope for a brighter future.  Others begin to see that something in us is vastly different from the world.  That we have a hope that surpasses understanding.  The song subtly points out how to accomplish this task.  It begins with the voice of one person standing up and saying that they are blessed.  May you be that person.

We are Blessed by All Sons and Daughters

(The song that this blog was written about)

The Restlessness of the blank page

Whenever I set about to write a blog, I always struggle with starting it.  I have a difficult time even knowing where to go with my ideas, if I have any ideas at all.  As I sit staring at a blank computer screen it often feels rather daunting.  Since starting this devotion for lent, I've had moments where the words flow naturally and other times where they come at a crawl and it sometimes takes several sittings and the span of a couple days to simply write what I want to say.  Indeed, there is a restlessness of the blank page.  I felt I should write about this today, because it goes beyond simply writing and simply trying to come up with something worthwhile to say.  Each of us have written a story with our lives.  Some of us have quite a few chapters written and are now working on the resolution of our story, others are still only a few chapters in and still developing the main character, but all of us have before us a blank page.  That blank page is what happens next.  It begs the question what will you make of your life and the world you live in.

Elie Wiesel said that "God made man because he loves stories."  I love this quote as it points out that God is indeed with us at every step of our story.  He is eager to see how we will live our lives and what we will do with the gifts he has given us.  Not that he doesn't have the power to see how we will live.  Indeed he knows how we will choose to live, but he nonetheless is eager to see our reactions and experiences them with us.  When we take those steps of courage we create new stories and new exciting parts that will surely be read and re-read.  I imagine that when we get to heaven, we will laugh and cry as we recount these instances with God.

I know of several people right now who are feeling restlessness before the blank page.  Some are unsure of job prospects, others have uncertainties at work, and still others are embarking on new adventures that will undoubtedly bring changes to their life.  Yet, I am also encouraged by their fortitude and their dependence on God.  One of those passages that really gets to the heart of this is the beginning of Joshua.  The book of Joshua opens up by announcing that Moses has died and that Joshua is to lead the Israelites to the promised land.  God speaks to Joshua and commands him to be strong and courageous and to meditate on the law day and night so that he will not turn from it.  As in another blog post earlier this week there is a great unknown in front of him.  And there is a great deal of uncertainty as to what will happen next.  Yet God is aware of what will happen and where he is to go.  He gives Joshua instructions and promises to be with him.  Joshua leans heavily on that promise and begins writing an amazing story of the conquest of Canaan and the beginning of the nation of Israel.

God calls us to look at the blank pages of our lives as being opportunities for grand adventures.  As we continue to go forth in our stories we must be fully dependent on God and to meditate on his words.  Indeed, many times I am most anxious about writing when I haven't spent time with Him or when I haven't been diligent in examining his word.  It is those times where I am trying to write on my own power and not relying on him.  The beautiful about this exercise is the fact that it forces me to sit before him before I am able to write having already exhausted much of the content that I can come up with on my own.  It is only when I am truly leaning on Christ and his power that I am able to move forward in confidence both in writing and in life.  Our lives are great stories before God with blank pages ahead.  May we not approach them with trepidation but rather with excited and adventurous hearts.  May we be spurred on by the blank page.

Grace to be vulnerable

This semester I've been taking a History of Christianity course as an independent study.  It has been fascinating to read and to learn about our vast history.  It has also, at times, been rather disheartening.  It is undeniable that there have been atrocities done in the name of Christ or at least under that pretense.  At times, I'm just appalled at our own behaviors.  Much of the church's history is stained with the abuse of power and with the blood of those who stood in opposition to them depending on the denomination.  To be sure, the blame for these events is pretty well spread out among all of the major denominations and no one can claim to have clean hands.  As I read through my textbook, I was most struck by the complete loss of humility among members and leaders of the church.  It was almost entirely absent replaced by a desire for power and corruption.  That is not to say that there were not pockets of great Christians whose faith is to be praised, for in fact there were many such Christians whose insights have proven invaluable over the centuries and the way they conducted their lives demonstrated a deep love for God and for others.  Yet the history of the church also shows the great cost that we pay when we choose to chase after power and authority rather than humility before God.

You see I think the root of pride often comes in a way of self-preservation or simply selfishness.  We begin to look at others as adversaries rather than people in need of compassion.  One of my favorite authors is Henri Nouwen.  He says this when it comes to enemies, "We can perceive the stranger as an enemy only as long as we have something to defend.  But when we say, 'Please enter - my house is your house, my joy is your joy, my sadness is your sadness, and my life is your life.' We have nothing to defend, since we have nothing to lose but all to give."  Nouwen's point is that if we are able to look at everything we have and able to give it away freely, then it is impossible to see others as enemies because there is nothing that they can take from us that can cause us real pain, whether it be a tangible item, our reputation, or our very lives.  Now to be sure this is a fine mental exercise or interpretation of Jesus' statement to turn the other cheek, but when it comes to practical application it seems beyond any of us.  Perhaps that's the point.  Perhaps we aren't meant to do this on our own.  Perhaps we need grace to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability is a scary term.  It is an uncomfortable and wretched thing.  To expose yourself to the judgment of others and to have no ability to defend yourself, who would desire this sort of thing?  Even the most confident of people and those most comfortable in their own skin desire to hold back part of their lives.  In fact it goes against the hard wiring in us that makes us choose between fight or flight.  By our very nature we want to either courageously go down swinging or run away to survive for another day.  Yet God calls us to be vulnerable.  To see those around us not as enemies or potential threats but as deeply loved children of God.  This impossible task is made possible when we constantly go before God and just sit in his presence.

The other day I sat engaging in my quiet time and I just imagined myself before Christ on the cross.  As I thought over my devotion to God, I was at first ashamed at my own lack of resolve and my own failures, but as I gazed on the cross I could feel God saying, "My grace is sufficient."  You see vulnerability before others is a truly daunting task, but God says, "My grace is sufficient."  It is by his strength that we are able to die to ourselves.  Paul says that he struggles with all Christ's energy as it works powerfully within him. (Colossians 1:29)  It is that same grace and same power that works in us as we strive to be vulnerable among others.  True vulnerability breeds peace and healing in both ourselves and others.  By opening up to others we give them the freedom to do the same.  May we pray for God to give us the grace to be vulnerable.

To be known

Being interrupted is perhaps my greatest pet peeve.  In fact, I get a little irritated whenever someone interrupts anyone in a conversation.  I've always felt that by interrupting someone you're showing disrespect to them and attempting to move the attention back to you and your life.  So often I've been listening to someone who is pouring out their heart and is demonstrating a deep need to be known and acknowledged only to be interrupted and then fade into the background.  It's disheartening to watch, but the fact of the matter is, it happens and it happens often.  I think we're all prone to this at times, because we have this intense desire to be known for who we are.  We want others to see the depths of our souls and to be accepted as having worth.  Unfortunately, our desire to be accepted often trumps the desire of others and so we interrupt and try to promote ourselves over and against them.

Naturally with any pet peeve, I myself am guilty of it.  I didn't realize to what extent until I worked alongside a chaplain at a hospital.  My job was to go in and talk with people in the ICU and to simply offer hope in the midst of their pain.  As I began visiting patients I found that while I kept the conversation on them, I'd often steer the conversation from one topic to another.  The chaplain gracefully showed me that while I focused my attention on the patient, I often didn't pay attention to the topic that they were most interested in or allow them to steer the conversation.  As I began to listen more attentively, I began allowing them to simply open up more.  In doing so I gave them space where they were able to feel safe about what they shared and gave them the opportunity to be vulnerable for that brief time.  I never rushed my time with them and allowed them to end the conversation when they desired.  This is what we give others when we refrain from interrupting.  When we simply listen to them and ask thoughtful questions, we allow our friends to be truly vulnerable and known.  We are offering healing in those moments and we die to ourselves and our own desires in the process.

Jesus modeled this well for us.  On the road to Jerusalem, he is on his way to his death and he knows it, yet a blind man calls out to him.  Jesus takes a moment and calls him to himself and asks, "What do you want me to do for you?"  He offers the man healing and a listening ear.  He doesn't try to impose his own will or attempt to gain something from the man, but instead is only concerned with the needs of the blind man.  He does it again with the woman at the well.  His discussion with her is in itself an act of grace and compassion.  The fact that she was a woman, the fact that she was a Samaritan, and the fact that she was at the well at midday all points to the idea that she is an outcast, yet Jesus extends grace and begins a conversation with her.  He listens to her questions about God and where to worship and then reveals a bit of himself to her.  He sees her heart and extends grace and healing.

I believe it was Henri Nouwen who pointed out that the mark of a true friend lies in their willingness to seek you out not for the purpose of being heard, but to listen.  There are people all around us who, as Thoreau put it, are living lives of quiet desperation.  We want to be known and to be loved for who we are.  To be recognized as having value and be loved in spite of our weaknesses.  Our soul aches for someone to set aside their own concerns in order to simply listen to our story.  To give us the space and safety to be truly vulnerable.  This is our calling as Christians, when we set aside our own concerns and simply listen without any agenda we are able to allow others to be known.

I will show you

The other day I was talking with a travel agent concerning my upcoming trip to Israel.  She recounted several stories of her own travels there and some of the experiences that she had while visiting.  She told me about this one time where she arrived late in the evening and had to take the public transportation to get to her destination.  She started to realize that they were going in the wrong direction.  Fortunately, there were several people there who were bilingual and were able to communicate to the driver where she needed to go.  When she finally got to the street she was supposed to be at, nothing looked familiar despite having stayed at this house multiple times.  She prayed that God would show her signs that were familiar so that she could get to where she needed to be.  After walking for a while, she was able to find her bearing and eventually make it to the house.

Her story reminds me of life in general.  There are so many times where we go through life not sure if we're even on the right bus or going in the right direction.  Even once "arriving" we still aren't sure we're where we are supposed to be.  Right now, I'm in Seminary and I'm set to graduate in December.  Beyond that there are a lot of unknowns that still linger in the back of my head.  Part of me is excited at the prospect of being a full-time pastor, but another part of me is wondering if I'm not meant for some other kind of ministry.  This uncertainty is common especially among those in my generation.  I've heard many twenty-somethings say that they spend much of their time just trying to figure out the right path.  The problem is that we often get so wrapped up in figuring out which way to go that we sit at the crossroads all our lives.  We live paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong decision.  In fact I think we are often much more fearful of picking the wrong thing than we are of failure.

I was reading in Genesis the other day, and I'm always amazed at the story of the calling of Abraham.  It says, "Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you." (Genesis 12:1).  Notice the emphasis I placed here.  Abraham doesn't know where he is going!  In fact, there is little in the text that suggests that God even gives him a general direction.  All he has is God's promise that God will show him where to settle.  So Abraham sets out for the complete unknown.  Instead of panicking and being paralyzed by the fear of stepping away from his comfort and what he is used to, he is almost excited about the grand adventure he is about to embark on.  It is unsafe and dangerous and it therefore becomes all the more enticing.  It is this same attitude that we should approach God's promises.  

Many of us stand at a crossroads in our lives. We have this idea that while both paths are great options, one of them is the "right" option and therefore the path we should take.  We debate with ourselves trying to determine which is the best option and can often live doubting we've made the right choice.  While there may be a "right" path for you, it doesn't mean we can't explore a different road in order to determine if it is the right road or not.  We certainly don't always know where God is taking us or even where to go sometimes, but we can be sure of his presence.  We can be sure that he will show us where to go.  Don't allow yourself to be paralyzed by the fear of making the right decision about life.  In my experience, God often lays before us several great options.  We unfortunately look at it as a pop quiz with only one right answer when God's intention is really for us to look at it as a choose your own adventure book, where each option leads to new winding paths where God's glory is proclaimed.  To quote NEEDTOBREATHE, "if you never leave home, never let go, you'll never make it to the great unknown."  I encourage you to take a step into the great unknown, because as you do God will show you where to go.

The Legacy of a life well lived

Last night, I went to the viewing for my Great Aunt Mary who recently passed away on Monday.  It was a time for the family to come together and to share memories with each other and to express condolences.  There was a great deal of both laughter and tears as we reconnected with distant family members and shared one another's grief at her passing or attempted to console those who were closer to her.  It is the second time this year that I have experienced a death of someone close to me.  The first was of my beloved professor Dr. David Dorsey.  At his funeral, the line began at the front of the chapel of the school, went outside the door, down the hallway, and past a classroom.  There were over 500 people in attendance at his funeral.  Several pastors were asked to speak and to give a word the life that he lived.  There wasn't a dry eye in the entire place.

These events have made me really contemplate what it means to leave a legacy.  What does a well-lived life look like?  Certainly, the respect and admiration held by the mourners at both of these funerals demonstrates what that is.  One of the pastors at the funeral for Dr. Dorsey said it well that it is difficult to describe him without making him sound as though he was part of the trinity.  Indeed, that was true of him and I believe that that is what a life well-lived looks like.  Dr. Dorsey struggled with a severe lung infection that he picked up while doing archaeological work in Israel in his twenties.  For the past several decades, he was the Old Testament professor at Evangelical despite having the credentials to teach anywhere he wanted.  He chose to live a humble life, yet anyone who knew him recognized his greatness.  One professor put it well, "He was great enough to be small."  You see, that is how Jesus lived.  By all accounts, Jesus lived a humble life, never settling down, never using his power for his own gain, but considered others before himself.  As it says in Philippians, Jesus did not consider equality with God something to grasped, but instead made himself in the likeness of man and humbled himself by becoming obedient to death on a cross. (Philippians 2:6-8 paraphrase)  This is what Dr. Dorsey did as he lived.  In all things he was humble, yet his humility never diminished his greatness.  Perhaps even, it was his humility that made his greatness shine all the more.

I have written other blog posts inspired by Dr. Dorsey and his life.  His impact is evident in my life in many ways, from the way I interpret the Old Testament to the way I interact with others.  I always remember his comments concerning his suffering.  He believed that in spite of the illness and devastating side-effects of the medication that he endured he was still blessed by God beyond measure.  This alone would have been enough wisdom and insight into the heart of God to draw anyone into God's presence, yet this is only one of the many things that he taught me about life and more importantly about God.  He had a singular focus and that was to introduce every student to God and to show them how much God loved and cared for them.  There were numerous times in his lecture where he would share stories of his own life that were filled with incredible vulnerability.  It had the disarming effect of drawing us in and of fostering a loving community for those brief few hours.  In those moments we had truly joined together and become one body.  I think what he imprinted on me most was to have an utter dependence on God.  There were many times where his illness had nearly claimed his life, yet through it all, he knew his ultimate end and knew that God was with him.  His life was a living testimony of walking with God and depending on him for our daily bread.

I know it can seem a bit morbid to talk about death.  It is something that very few of us, especially the younger generations ever give much thought to.  The reality of the situation, however, is that there will come a time where we are no longer around, where all that is left behind is our legacy.  Dr. Dorsey's legacy is that of a humble life lived in communion with God.  It was a life of vulnerability and a deep dependence on Him.  When one reflects on such a life, it is impossible not to take stock of how your own life is being lived.  Questions begin to arise.  How will others remember you when you're gone?  Will they think about the times that you sat and listened to them or those times where you were just a little too busy?  Will they consider the great acts of humility that you showed or will they dwell on the times that your pride got the better of you?  I'd like to say that people will remember me by the compassion that I showed and the love they felt when I was with them.  I want them to see my own vulnerability and be inspired to do the same.  I want to imitate Dr. Dorsey as he imitated Christ.  For truly that is the legacy of a well-lived life.
 

I want to leave a legacy

How will they remember me?

Did I choose to love?  Did I point to You enough

To make a mark on things?

I want  to leave an offering

A child of mercy and grace who

blessed your name unapologetically

And leave that kind of legacy

(Excerpt from Legacy by Nicole Nordeman)

Lent

Today is Ash Wednesday. This marks the beginning of the lenten season.  This is the time of year that many Christians around the world choose to sacrifice something in their lives for a period of 40 days, not including Sundays.  For me, it wasn't a tradition growing up.  I never really considered it, in fact I had no idea that the season existed.  The first time I participated in lent was in college and chose to give up soda.  Going cold turkey on a Mountain Dew addiction is bad.  Trust me.  This became a bit of tradition after that and my typical resolution was to give up soda.  Unfortunately, this really didn't honor the spirit of lent and my soda-fast became no different than a new year's resolution, it just had a different start date and had a specific end date in sight.  More importantly I was no different after having done it.  I would often finish lent successful in having not consumed a single soda, only to find that my relationship with God had been left unaltered by the experience.  This year I decided to try and recover a bit of the spirit of lent and to get a glimpse into what it looks to truly celebrate it.

The tradition of lent is done out of the desire to join with Christ in his 40 days in the wilderness.  During those 40 days, he fasted, which is why Christians who celebrate lent often choose to give up some sort of food during this time.  This is all well and good, but I think it still misses the point, at least it has for me.  Jesus may have fasted from food, but he feasted upon the word of God.  There is no doubt that this time was a pivotal moment for Jesus where he was able to simply be with the Father.  There were no distractions and nothing could come between him and a deeper relationship with God.  It should be no surprise then, that Satan's first temptation of Jesus is met with the statement, "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God."  Jesus had spent those 40 days in prayer before the Father.  Conversing with him and laying baring all of his thoughts.  His statement here is based on the reality of his experience.  He has been sustained during that time by the very word of God and had become completely dependent on Him.  

Now it also says that at the end of those 40 days, Jesus was hungry.  It was at that moment that he encounters the devil who had come to tempt him.  This hunger that Jesus has is the hunger pains of starvation.  His body would have actually been breaking down at this point.  And so when the devil comes to him, Jesus is acting from a position of strength, having been nourished by God, but also a place of utter vulnerability.  Here is where I think the spirit of Lent leads us.  It leads us to expose our own vulnerabilities and lay them bare before Him.  In doing so, we find true dependence on God.

You see sacrifice is only one side of the lenten coin, cultivating dependence on God is the other.  Our sacrifice lacks meaning when it does not drive us to depend on him.  It becomes just another resolution that we keep for a limited time, only to be forgotten the moment our goal has been reached.  So what is it that you need to let go of?  What is it that distracts you and causes you to rely on your own strength rather than depending on God?  We all have something.  For me, it is my studies.  I constantly feel a need to be perfect and it becomes less and less about dependence on God and more and more about me and what I can do.  So for me, my practice this season will be to write daily, to take time that could be spent doing schoolwork and just write.  It is a practice that for me, helps to reveal a part of my heart, to be vulnerable and open to others, and it requires a deep dependence on God, both for the material and for the time it takes to write it.  I encourage you to join with me in devoting this lenten season in rediscovering those themes of vulnerability and dependence on God.  May we join with Christ in the wilderness that we might come back refreshed, renewed, and  ready to offer hope and restoration to a broken world.